One year sober
Teri Voyna recently celebrated one year sober. Her family and friends marked the occasion by attending a meeting where she received her one-year chip. She lives in Bettendorf with her wife, Kris, and son, Leo. This is from her blog, The Incredibly True Adventures of Me.
When did you start drinking?
I had my first conscious, meant to, drink when I was 11. I started binge drinking at 14. By the time I was 18 I was regularly blacking out. I went to rehab the first time at age 22. I have been in and out the rooms (the places where people involved in Alcoholics Anonymous meet) ever since. I never expected to live past age 25. I have no idea how to be 44. I expected my rock bottom would be Mötley Crüe-level drunkenness followed up with a line of coke, a bong hit, and a night (or several) in jail.
What happened instead?
Instead, I became a housewife and stay-at-home mama who occasionally drank more than I should and maybe when the doctor prescribed two pills, I took four (or six…let’s be honest).
When was your last drink?
I didn’t expect it to be my last drink when I had that last drink. I went to an event, drank half a beer and then told my friend Sarah I was tired of feeling like (insert swear word, because Teri swears a lot) and I quit. It was a few months later that I realized it might be more of a problem than I thought.
What did you do about that?
So, I went back in those rooms and listened to the stories from the old timers and tried to work the program the right way. I did all the things I thought were stupid when I was 22. I got a sponsor, I’m working that steps (slowly but surely), and I’m sober. Completely (swear word!) sober. I’m grateful today. I’m grateful for everyone that supported me and everyone who doesn’t quite understand but still supported me. I’m grateful for the life I get to live and experience.
Why did you decide to do this?
My mom died at age 54 from alcoholism. That’s ten years older than I am right now. I don’t want my son to wonder why I chose booze and drugs over him. I chose him. I chose me. I chose this life full of it’s really intense (swear word!) feelings – so many (swear word!) feelings! I’ve learned more about myself in the last year than I have in the last 44. Take that how you will, some of that (swear word!) I could have done without. Here I am. I am raw. I am scared. I am hopeful. I am thankful. I am loved. I am blessed.
Where’s God in this?
When I was first getting sober, my sponsor and sister said to me, “God either is or God isn’t. You need to decide that God is and Teri isn’t and get the hell out of your own way.” I’m a control freak. My anxiety tells me that if I can control everything and everyone then nothing bad will happen. Here’s the super secret: that’s all (swear word!). All of my life, I have been in my own way. I am my own worst enemy and I am the thing that causes me the most grief. I am a work in progress. So, imagine giving up alcohol and drugs which helped keep those feelings and anxiety down in my gut and then giving up control without drugs and alcohol to cushion the fall.
Do you pray?
I pray. I pray a lot. Prayer without action is just lip service so while I know that God is and Teri isn’t, Teri still has to go out and do the work. You want to lose weight…eat less and exercise more. You want to stop drinking…ask for help. You want the world to change….say your prayers and then go out and change it. The recent shootings have made me feel more out of control and when I feel out of control, I act like an (swear word!) and make stupid decisions. Not this time. I pray. I pray every single day for God to protect us all, to soften the hearts and open the minds of those who work in hate and thrive in chaos. I put my money and my time toward politicians who think and live like me. I teach my son about kindness and empathy. I try to react with kindness and empathy to everyone I come in contact with, even that stupid (swear word!) who doesn’t understand that green means go at the stoplight. And, at the end of the day, I pray again. Prayer without action is just (swear word!) lip service. God doesn’t cause bad things to happen. We do that all on our own. So, for today, I got up and decided that God is and Teri isn’t and that’s what I’ll do today. Tomorrow, I hope I make the same decision and I hope you do too.
How are you healing?
As I celebrated a year of sobriety, I was surrounded by many of my beloveds and received calls, texts, flowers, gifts, and love from many others. My son spent the evening with a few our favorite people and was loved beyond belief. I didn’t grow up like this. This abundance of blessings and love is not something I am used to. I was the kid that other people’s mothers didn’t want them to play with. I was the bad influence. In my 40’s, I’ve become this other person and I don’t know how to play it. I read a meme the other day that said, “I’m afraid if I heal from my trauma, I won’t be funny anymore.” While it made me laugh, it also struck a cord. I have been this hot mess for years and I got pretty comfortable in the muck. Now, with a giant shove from my therapist, I am cleaning off the muck and finding this person underneath it. I’m glad you have all stuck around because I have some of the best friends and family in the world. Before I go to sleep at night, I count all my blessings and even on a (swear word!) day, I usually fall asleep before I get to the end of the list.